Since I started blogging, I’ve discovered something utterly delightful: spam comments! I’m a) hugely flattered that spambots think that my site will get them the readership they so desperately want and b) completely flummoxed by the idea that there are so many fake Michael Kors products available. Like, so many. My grammar police side screams and wails at the heinous infractions these bots dream up, and my sci-fi nerd side can’t help but imagine my beloved Data saying each phrase. So, I’ve collected a few of my most favorite spam comments here, and will now go and research the best spam-blocking plug ins so as to reclaim my life from the swirling gyre that is knock-off watches and bags.
“Also in past night’s demonstrate, the ethics of the Conservative cabinet minister are now being questioned upon Ecosystem Minister Leona Aglukkak was the guest of honour at a fundraiser in Ottawa surrounded by teams that depend on federal funds. Ottawa bureau chief Robert Fife noted on the specifics as well as principles round conflict of desire.”
—fake michael kors
It’s like they know me! I totally care about Ecosystem. The most! Bots are so considerate nowadays!
—fake michael kors
Tomorrow’s my birthday, da na na na na! It’s your book day too, yeah, da na na na na! We’re gonna have a good time! Happy book day to you!
Yes! Tomorrow’s my birthday and to celebrate, I wanna give you a present! I’m pretty sure that’s how this whole thing works. This is the first time that I’ve ever been able to do a giveaway of my book (since, you know, it just came out!). To celebrate the beginning of my 33rd year, I’m going to be giving away a copy of How to Be Vegan to randomly chosen, US-residing winner! All you have to do to enter the drawing is comment on this post with what you love most about birthdays. Is it the cake, like the phenomenal creation you see above that the lovely and talented Colleen Holland prepared for my 30th? The karaoke? The love of friends and family from near and far? Tell all in the comments before noon (PT) on Friday, June 13!
Great news! It turns out that you’re not completely alone in the universe. Two people whom you’ve very likely never met are now looking at the small images that you’re collecting on our service. So there’s that! People who don’t even know you! They totally want to hang out. Maybe Jim and Jane are actually really lovely, and they could change your life in spectacular ways if you met up with them, IRL as it were. Maybe you all could go to that beach in Greece that you pinned the other day, and swim through the aquamarine shallows and jump off of the bleached, porous rocks. Maybe you could grill freshly picked vegetables, maybe you could brine things; you could do it yourself.
You see, we’re writing because you somehow haven’t unsubscribed from these update emails, but also, and more importantly, we’re writing because we care. Yes, about you, Elizabeth. Why do you even notice that the messages come in the deep dark of post-11pm, hmmm? You do know that you’re in the last year of your early thirties, don’t you darling, and really, this should be time that you spend sleeping so that you can wake up at 6am and take advantage of all the at-home CrossFit workouts over on the health and fitness boards, right? Maybe an avocado face mask and a nice mug of coconut-whipped-cream-topped decaf homemade chai would help you get some shuteye.
It’s just a thought, honey, something to mull over. You think about lots of things, you know. We know. You think about redecorating your apartment (even though you haven’t technically decorated it a first time); you think about building outdoor patios (even though you haven’t any land on which to build them and your fire escape must be kept clear by law); you think about weddings and how pretty they are (even though you significantly prefer imagining attending them than throwing one of your own); you think about dogs. A lot. Somewhat feverishly, in the same way that other women your age think about the cuteness of children. You think about jewelry designing and crafting and sewing your own clothes and other skills that you do not currently posses (nor do you have any plans to actually acquire).
Are all these things keeping you up at night, sweetness? Do they wrack your little, sleepy brain? Is that the entire point of our service? You clever thing. Now, do you want to also follow Jim and Jane, or are you completely self-absorbed?
You know how sometimes you realize that Los Angeles is actually not a total hole of despair and spandex and that, in fact, it boasts such a great number of redeeming qualities that you briefly develop a little city crush on it? Yeah, well San Francisco has this to say about my urban infidelity:
Well played, SF. Well played.